Dr. Elwin Snarkmeister's supply list and synopsis for a compulsory Republican training course

republican training course

Welcome to Irony and the Grand Ole Party 101. My name is Dr. Elwin Snarkmeister and I will be your instructor for the next 8 weeks. This class offers 2 credits for freshman, 3 credits for sophomores and 128 credits for juniors and seniors who helped clean up my house after this spring’s May Day/Dionysus celebration. I’m still missing my genuine Naugahyde couch.

For new students, Irony and the Grand Ole Party 101 covers the slow erosion of America’s GOP from within. We will be studying such Republican luminaries as Sarah Palin, Lee Atwater, Karl Rove, George W. Bush, Dick Morris, Saxby Chambliss and Ted Nugent. Please take note of the supply list below, as I do require all students to be fully prepared the first day of class.

Supply list:

  • Box of #2 pencils
  • Thesaurus
  • Container of paper clips
  • Paint gun with paint pellets, any color
  • Turpentine (to remove the paint from the desks and walls; Dean Wormer refuses to let me use drop cloths)
  • The King James bible
  • The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
  • A copy of the Constitution
  • Motorcycle helmet with visor
  • Soldering iron (I will proved the solder)
  • The gay agenda (extra credit to the first student who actually finds it)

Since the unholy union of the Republican party and fundamentalist Christianity, the GOP has taken a truly bizarre turn down the road of American history. The joining of the GOP and right wing Christianity has resulted in an explosion of irony, which we will be looking at in great detail.

This year, we will be dissecting GOP irony from the past 12 months. I believe we have quite enough subject matter just from 2013, but it behooves us to pay close attention to the 2012 presidential election, if only for the laughs.

We will be discussing religion frequently during Irony and the Grand Ole Party 101. My attorney informed me last summer after the frog incident that I need to inform incoming students of this prior to the first day of class. I would like to make it perfectly clear; I will not stand for another amphibian onslaught this semester. Any student caught with a frog, toad or other aquatic egg-laying creature will immediately be sent to Dean Wormer’s office and possibly suspended.

Topics of discussion will include:

  • The Irony of Banning Sharia Law and Abortion in the same Bill
  • How the GOP chooses candidates (hint: Magic 8-Ball)
  • Why does Michele Bachmann hate gay marriage when she’s in one (h/t to last year’s star student, John Fugelsang)?
  • Are there any jobs in American vaginas?
  • How the GOP can blame the people Jesus loved for all our problems?
  • What the hell is a Libertarian?
  • Water Buddha and you
  • The Grassroots Tea Party, the Koch brothers and Dick Armey
  • Iraq-Holy War or Holy Shit
  • Who was Ronald Reagan and Why is he a Saint?
  • Border security, not food stamps
  • Can women wear pants?

There are a few topics not included on the list, simply because I enjoy surprising students. Two years ago I walked into class wearing nothing but a Wonder Woman cape and an American-flag Speedo for what became a rollicking session on flag code.

Thank you again for enrolling in Irony and the Grand Ole Party 101. I look forward to learning a bit about you as you learn a bit about Psychosis, Hypocrisy, Disconnect and Irony. Questions about Intro to the GOP and Irony should be written on a Post-It-Note and attached to my office door with duct tape.  For returning students-Dean Wormer moved my office from the 3rd floor into the basement next to the closet filled with lost luggage. If you know where that is please let me know, because I have no idea.

This is a work of fiction, but should be taken seriously

4 COMMENTS

  1. Please make sure your students know about our other course offerings for the second semester:
    Hypocrisy and the Modern G.O.P.
    Introduction to Delusional Thinking Disorder (D.T.D.G.O.P.)
    The History of Racism in the U.S. from the Founding Fathers to the Tea Party
    Conspiracy Theories and the Effects of Fiction on Voting Behavior.
    Remedial European Religious History and the U.S. Constitution.
    Behavior Modification, Propaganda, Low Information Voters and the G.O.P.
    Jim Crow, Past, Present, and Future.

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