An Interview with Dr. Schadenfreude on the sociopath named Darrell Issa
As many of you may recall, two years ago a rather rumpled German wandered into my life. Dr. Schadenfreude agreed to analyze a few of the Republican presidential candidates, many times to his own detriment. I remember the moment he realized Ron Paul was a doctor but still believed in letting churches take care of the sick and the poor, he ran out into our front yard screaming “asshole” in German.
With the reelection of President Obama, and the awkward events surrounding Dr. Schadenfreude’s “kidnapping” where he was discovered lounging in a 5-star hotel, I thought he would never contact me again. Imagine my surprise when a rented Ford Fiesta sputtered into the driveway, revealing Dr. S. in all his glory: portable espresso machine, strudel, his always-present duffel bag and a sheepish grin on his face. Dr. Schadenfreude wanted to step into Darrell Issa‘s brain and share his findings with me. Which I will now share with you.
First, a little background on Dr. Schadenfreude. He’s from a very small town in Germany, attended Faber College here in the States and is most well-known for his pamphlets on mental health. His most recent scribe, “It’s Only OCD If Someone Notices” garnered Dr. S. his third award from the German Department of Public Health for being the most handed out work in public restrooms. It is a privilege to bring Dr. Schadenfreude’s unique skills and analytical mind to Quiet Mike readers. The following interview was transcribed from audio.
Erin Nanasi: Uh…is that a ferret?
Dr. Schadenfreude: Yes, but it’s stuffed, may I come in?
Dr. S.: I realize that your President Obama won reelection and thank God because can you even imagine if one of those psychotic sociopaths had…I can’t. But I noticed last week-there seems to be quite a few severely mentally unstable people still employed in Congress. One man really stands out, and…
EN: Just one? Really.
Dr. S.: Well, no, but I can only dissect one mind at a time. I agree it’s hard to just deal with one when obviously so many are in desperate need of help or ECT or Thorazine or a soul, but I’d like to start with the car thief.
EN: Darrell Issa?
Dr. S.: Yes, thank you, I keep blocking his name for some reason. He reminds me of a teacher I had in primary school. Slicked back hair, those beady eyes, you were always waiting for him to pounce. Which is why I brought the ferret.
Dr. S.: Think of Sparky here as a learning prop.
Dr. S.: Darrell Issa has been investigated for theft, arson, insurance fraud, a gun violation and may have lied about his military record. And he’s smarmy. Really smarmy. I love that word. Smarmy smarmy smarmy smar…
EN: Stop now.
Dr. S.: I apologize. What I wanted to look at was the why behind Issa’s apparent obsession with oversight and his penchant for making things up whole cloth or just blowing events and situations way out of proportion. I came to a few interesting conclusions that your readers will not only understand, but may inspire them to pity Mr. Issa, and hopefully get him the help he so urgently needs.
EN: This should be fascinating. He’s a mystery to many on both sides of the political spectrum, and any insight you can offer will be most helpful.
Dr. S.: Well, here’s my professional opinion of Darrell Issa.
<pause for dramatic effect>
Dr. S.: He’s a sociopath.
Dr. S.: No, that’s it. He’s a sociopath.
EN: Pardon the expression, but DUH. Of course he is, most of the GOP are one twitch away from becoming Ted Bundy, but what new information can you share with us?
Dr. S.: He can be helped. Normally, one cannot cure a sociopath. As you may know, but probably not since you’re only a blogger…
It is at this point that Dr. S. and I typically get into a rather loud argument, comparing my blogging to his bathroom handouts. Interview continues.
Dr. S.: All Americans have to do is get him out of office. Not just out of his physical office, but how do you say, fire him. Once he is no longer a congressman, his delusions of grandeur will lessen to the point where therapy and medication could, could mind you, allow Mr. Issa to recover what little conscience he has buried under all that hair and live a reasonably normal life, under constant supervision of course.
EN: Would this work with all of them? If none of the true sociopaths in politics are reelected next year, could a cure be in their future as well?
Dr. S.: With some, absolutely. Having watched your representatives closely over the past three months, I can sadly state there are some for whom nothing will work. Those men and women are simply too unhinged to attempt a cure.
EN: Have you any hope for those poor souls, or their constituents?
Dr. S.: Unfortunately, no. As long as the people keep reelecting theses future serial killers into office, the people cannot complain. Unless voters here in America can break the habit of electing people who will inevitably hurt them, end the cycle of electoral masochism if you will, the system is doomed to fail.
And on that happy thought, Dr. Schadenfreude began packing up his accessories. Walking to his Fiesta, his head down, he said “I wish I understood why Americans enjoy suffering. You vote for men and women who will do nothing for you, lie to you, break their promises and take your money, your benefits, scheiss they take food right out of your babies’ mouths, and yet you elect them over and over again. Maybe it’s not just the politicians who are crazy.”
With that, he drove off, waving his arm out the window. Not at me-it’s black fly season.
This is a work of fiction, but should be taken seriously