These two extremist conservatives battled to the death... of sanity.
Glenn Beck and Michele Bachmann seem to be participating in an ancient competition, which Socrates called “Who’s Nuttier Than Squirrel Poo?” This week we have a winner, which is nice since normally they finish in a tie. It was a close call and the judges were rather contentious in the end (they found out they were getting paid in cookies and well-brand vodka), but we do in fact have a victor. Before we announce the name, let’s take a look back at how we got here!
Glenn Beck is always a font of misinformation, paranoia and weird bow ties, and this week was no exception. Mr. Beck seems to be listening more closely to the voices in his head and those voices are screaming “Marxist Revolution!” Oddly, if we were truly living under a Marxist government, Mr. Beck would have been shot in the face for pointing out that we are living under a Marxist government. Reality has never stopped Glenn, oh no, so now that the GOP shutdown is in full swing (for which he blames the president because… BENGHAZI!), he and his co-hosts are bemoaning the fate of America, aka the Glen Beck Empire™. And they’ve decided to move. To Canada.
I have no problem whatsoever with Glenn Beck leaving the country. However, does anyone else find it strange that the one place he chose for his fleeing has actual universal health care? Which Mr. Beck believes was crafted by Satan himself in the fourth level of Hell? Glenn also believes that “they” are going to “scoop” us all up. “They” are presumably the same they who want to take all the guns, force Americans to learn actual history, and the Tides Foundation. Glenn Beck hates the Tides Foundation, so much so he inspired Byron Williams to shoot up the place. As to the “scoop,” maybe General Dynamics is working on that right now. It could happen, because Glenn Beck says it could.
Canada would be a horrible place for Beck and Pat-the-co-host. There is a place I’d like to suggest instead: Somalia. Smaller government? Hell, Somalia doesn’t even have a government. No pesky regulations, tons of guns, pirates (arrr!), beaches, did I mention pirates and no healthcare? None. It’s a right wing libertarian paradise.
Okay, Glenn Beck and Pat-the-co-host scored high with our judges for their inhalation of “Libertarian Magic Pixie Dust,” but scored incredibly low for not understanding anything about Canada, America, Marxism, socialism or, well, anything. After a quick break for espresso and snickerdoodles, our judges were back to tackle my favorite congresswoman, Michele Bachmann (from a satirical point of view, she’s GOLD).
Michele Bachmann went on the radio this past Saturday and spoke about Syria. Before you get excited thinking she engaged in rational political discourse, or made well thought out statements on the Middle East, remember-this is Michele Bachmann. Shelly decided to go completely off the rails and talk about the End Times. And figs. Or something, oh just here:
“This happened, and as of today, the United States is willingly, knowingly, intentionally sending arms to terrorists, now what this says to me, I’m a believer in Jesus Christ, as I look at the End Times scripture, this says to me that the leaf is on the fig tree and we are to understand the signs of the times, which is your ministry, we are to understand we are in God’s end time history.”
“Rather than seeing this as a negative, we need to rejoice, Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, His day is at hand. When we see up is down and right is called wrong, when this is happening, we were told this: that these days would be as the days of Noah.”
Michele Bachmann is an elected official. People walked into a polling station, meandered over to a voting booth and put this woman into office. More than once. In Minnesota, home of Prince, Garrison Keillor, The Guthrie, the best state fair food in the world and 10,000 lakes. It boggles the mind. Maranatha, in case anyone is interested, means “Our Lord cometh.” I think if Our Lord is really comething, Michele Bachmann is going to have some serious explaining to do.
The judges gave Rep. Bachmann very high scores for lunacy, religious extremism and using her voice to stir fear. They did mark her down for her voice, only because they found her accent annoying. One judge compared it listening to Sarah Palin sing Wagner. Ouch.
In the end, forced to declare a winner or get sent to a FEMA camp, they chose Michele Bachmann. When I asked them why, they told me it was her role as a member of Congress that gave her an edge over Glenn Beck. As one judge put it, “Beck is a media personality. Yes, he’s an idiot, but no one elected him to public office. That alone makes anything she says crazier. So, yeah, Bachmann gets to be the conductor of the Crazy Train, Beck can be the engineer, where’s that vodka?”
Congratulations, Rep. Michele Bachmann! You beat out Glenn Beck and his imaginary Marxist revolution to win this week’s competition. What a proud moment for all your constituents in the 6th District. Your gift basket from Andrew Christian is on its way!