Some Gift Ideas for Republicans this Christmas

Special gift wishes for special Republicans who seem to need special help

It’s a week till Christmas and I find myself wondering what Santa will be giving Republicans this year. What will that jolly old elf put in right wing stockings Christmas Eve? Can you fit empathy in a sock? Doubtful, which begs the question: What in the world will conservative politicians and pundits wake up to on December 25th?

The legend of Santa Claus is pretty well known. Good kids get presents while bad kids get coal. But this piece would be really short if I just typed “Republicans all get coal, the end.” I needed to think outside the gaily-wrapped box, I needed to get to know a few right wing “stars” to see what they truly deserve Christmas morning. And by get to know I mean visit their social media pages, Google quotes, watch videos, listen to their lying, shrill voices over and over and over again. Luckily, we have Chocolate Whiskey Truffles for me to munch on. After about five or six, I really don’t care anymore.

Without further ado, I present some gift ideas for republicans, or at least what we believe a few of our favorite (opposite day) Republicans deserve for Christmas.

Rep. Steve Stockman is a true patriot if by patriot you mean his BFF, pants-pooping draft dodger Ted Nugent. This is a guy who actually sold a bumper sticker that addressed the issue of saving fetuses by arming them with guns. He was serious. Thus, Rep. Steve Stockman will find a “I’m Pro-Choice and I Vote” bumper sticker in his stocking this year. Covered in tree sap, so when he grabs it and begins to swear, he won’t be able to drop it.

When you think “flaming, asshat misogynist”, you’re thinking about Rush Limbaugh. Rush believes Democrats are turning women into abortion machines, liberal women are femiNAZIS, and taking birth control makes you a slut. Obviously, Rush deserves a lifetime subscription to Ms. Magazine, which he cannot ever cancel. Each time he tries, a group of angry nuns will show up at his house and sing “Kumbaya” until his ears bleed.

Rep. Marsha Blackburn from the great state of Tennessee is an interesting woman. She hates the ACA because in her words, some people would rather “drive a Ford and not a Ferrari.” Remember the Pinto? Anyway, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha (I love doing that) is also part of the “pro-life” brigade who just cut food stamps. This Christmas morn, I suggest Santa remove all the food from Rep. Blackburn’s house, stop her pay and her tax-payer funded health insurance and force her to live, for an entire year, using SNAP and the ACA. I have another suggestion for Rep. Blackburn regarding her hatred of women, but we’ll save that for next year.

Ah, Ted Cruz. The Tea Party darling who read a book meant for little kids and failed to understand it. Whose father fought alongside Fidel Castro. A man who thinks emergency contraception is the same thing as an abortion. Ted Cruz, upon descending from what I’m certain is a tastefully decorated bedroom Christmas morning, needs to find a collection of Dr. Seuss books, The Communist Manifesto and the latest edition of Danforth’s Obstetrics and Gynecology lovingly placed under his Yuletide tree.

Of course, I cannot forget Larry Pratt, executive director of Gun Owners of America, a gun rights group that makes the NRA look completely and utterly sane. Mr. Pratt recently appeared on Fox “News” Sunday with Chris Wallace to debate why background checks will never, ever work. When asked about keeping firearms out of the hands of criminals and the mentally ill, Mr. Pratt responded “If we’re really serious about people who’ve got some kind of of uh, problem, mental or criminal, they oughta be in jail. We oughta put ’em in jail…” Larry Pratt deserves nothing less than a 90-day stay in the psych ward of Bellevue. For everyone’s safety.

Now, I’m certain that some well meaning conservative (opposite day) will read this tongue-in-cheek list and accuse me of being “divisive.” I get that a lot, especially when I use conservatives’ own words against them. See, it’s not their fault for saying insane, cruel or racist things, it’s our fault for noticing. Shame on us.

What I’d really like to wish every conservative in America is a Happy Holiday and a joyous New Year. Can I make one teensy, tiny suggestion? Stop harping on and on and on about Happy Holidays versus Merry Christmas. For shit’s sake, some poor bell ringer got punched in the face because you all are so obsessed with two freaking words. Let it go.