A sarcastic (we think) look at the conservative platform in the United States

We conservatives are sick of our messages constantly being distorted by the “liberal” media. So we are going to lay out our conservative platform in order for all of you liberal hippies to see why we are true Americans. This should finally end any and all dissension toward us.

There are far too many regulations restricting big business. We need to remove them and let businesses run free, because that’s what capitalism and America is all about. So what if that means some guy buys the rights to a life saving drug and cranks the price up to $750 a pill. That’s Freedom, baby! It’s his right to make money from denying others the right to live.

So what if a company poisons the water of over 300, 000 people in West Virginia? Sure, the facility hadn’t been inspected in twenty or so years, but again, that’s what freedom is about. Regulations are bad because they are costly and time consuming. Lives are a lot cheaper to waste than dollars. Besides, you can’t send corporations to jail, corporations aren’t people.

Oh wait, corporations are people, just not in cases where they can be held liable for criminal negligence. Sorry about that, but them’s the breaks. Big business makes America great. Without these “job creators” this nation would suffer immensely. Just think how bad things would be if big box chains like Walmart didn’t shut down all the small businesses around them. Who needs competition when the prices are so low?

Living wage? You don’t need one of those. It’s so easy to get another job and if employers could pay you even less, they should! Then they wouldn’t need to send all their manufacturing jobs overseas where people work for pennies under threat of death from factory fires and collapses. With no regulations and no minimum wage, we could bring American manufacturing back where it belongs, under our thumb.

Obamacare… Don’t get me started here. The health insurance industry and HMOs have always had the best interests of the public at heart. It’s not as if they abandon people when they are needed the most or refuse coverage to the sick and injured. We need to go back to the way things were before, when the only people who were covered were the right ones, the ones who could afford it.

We can’t let the government provide health care for illegal immigrants either. This has nothing to do with Obamacare, but we are going to keep screaming about it anyway. We are against government involvement in any type of health care…

…unless we think you might need an abortion, then we are going to be all up in your… all up in your… Sorry, I forgot this is a family site. Even if you aren’t considering an abortion, but just need access to the many varied aspects of women’s reproductive health care, we will call you a “child murderer” and publicly shame you. We are all about small government, but we advocate an elephant in every uterus.

We know when life begins because God tells us. Scientific theories? Those are just theories. You are going to have to provide way more evidence than that. You can’t question our Faith either because we have freedom of religion. That means you have the freedom of our religion too, isn’t that great? We’ll make policies based on our beliefs, and if you don’t believe what we do, it means you’re unpatriotic for trying to oppress us with your beliefs. How dare you!

conservative platformThe GOP is the party of Jesus. We live according to his principles. Not heal the sick, feed the poor, or pray in private, but Free Market principals. Screw over the other guy before he screws over you. That’s the way to get along, it’s what America was built on.

That and guns. The Second Amendment is unassailable. Never mind the “well regulated militia” part, it’s the “shall not be infringed” that’s important. Why use the whole amendment when just part of it will do? Pick and choose, just like we do with the Bible. It’s our God given right. 

We don’t need background checks or a registry. Without the “good guy with a gun” there would be shootings every day. Criminals don’t follow laws, so we will continue to work with the gun lobbies to undermine whatever regulations we think are unconstitutional and whether they actually are or not is besides the point. It’s a shame about all those dead kids though. If only they were unborn, we could have helped them all.

In the meantime, we believe children should work for their school lunch if they’re poor. If you need help eating or can’t find a job, that’s too bad. You failed. It’s not the government’s job to look after people. There shouldn’t be benefits for veterans either. We love our veterans, in fact we say it all the time. But we don’t actually have to help them. No one forced them into fighting for us.

Real Americans stand on their own and need no help from anyone. Unless of course a Red State gets hit with a natural disaster. Or a man made disaster for that matter, amirite Rick Perry? It’s different than a hurricane hitting New York. That’s a Liberal cesspool of criminals and druggies. America would be better off without them.

Drugs are bad, m’kay? If you’re a drug addict, you’ve got serious moral failings and you need to go to prison. Unless of course you’re a conservative talk show host or a Republican Congressman. Then you have an illness and everyone should pray for your recovery.

Us conservatives are fed up with everyone talking trash about us and our policies. Keep that up and we’ll and we will demand you be fired like Martin Bashir. We will blacklist you faster than the Dixie Chicks. We are sick of you liberal commies. We have the right to say we hate gays and immigrants, and that women are helpless to their own sluttiness, because Free Speech allows us to. We will not lay down our First Amendment rights. Just ask our pillar of integrity, Bill O’Reilly.

conservative platformWhat our conservative platform comes down to is this; We Are Right. We’ll call it WAR for short. When you think about conservatives, just remember WAR on foreign policy, WAR on women, WAR on immigration, WAR on taxes, WAR on Drugs…

The Conservative Platform is all about WAR, If you don’t like it, get out of our country.

Chad R. MacDonald has a degree in English literature from Cape Breton University and subsequently received a full scholarship to AMDA in New York City. He is a former security professional, veteran of the hospitality industry, and experienced in both the arts as well as administration.He has been writing all his life, likes baseball, hockey, literature, science, the arts, and marine photography.Chad lives in Brooklyn with his wife and son and their gigantic cat.


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