How Fox News uses Its broadcasts to scare viewers into buying useless and harmful products
With all of the terrible stories rotating through the news cycle in the last few weeks, I thought it might be time for a more light-hearted article. And of course, when trying to conjure up a good subject for ridicule, Fox News is one of the first things that immediately comes to mind.
Fox News has a notorious reputation for being a fear-mongering purveyor of less-than-reliable news coverage. Examples of ridiculous headlines and downright despicable editorializing are not hard to find in Fox’s reporting archives.
Their reports on the Obama administration reveal a blatant conservative bias that vacuums nearly all of the substance from their news coverage. Remember E.D. Hill’s “terrorist fist jab?” comment during the 2008 election? That about sums it up.
But not all of Fox’s reporting is meant to scare you into never voting for a Democrat. There’s something even more sinister behind many of Fox News’ stories, and to fully understand it we must first ask ourselves a question. What drives the modern American media system? Money. This is true for every for-profit, privately owned media enterprise across the political spectrum, from MSNBC all the way to Fox News.
Fox “News” stands alone, however, in its pernicious pursuit of profit. Time and again I have watched this network and felt a boiling sense of disgust rising in my brain – though lately this sensation has simply turned to uncontrollable laughter.
Here’s the basic business model: scare the living hell out of your viewers and then blast them with commercials advertising miracle products that can save them from the thing you just told them was out to get them. Brilliant, right?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this method; in fact, it’s a highly-effective way to drain viewers’ wallets and gain more ad revenue. People just need to understand that the “news” they’re receiving from these “journalists” is very often aimed specifically at inducing panic to make them buy “miracle” products.
One of my favorite examples of this system in action is gold. The essential message that Fox viewers often get is something like, “Oh my God! the dollar is being eaten alive and the economy is collapsing!” How can you save yourself and your family from financial ruin and keep yourselves out of the bread lines? Buy gold, of course, because gold is a guaranteed investment with absolutely no volatility and massive financial returns.
Where can you find gold? Well, Fox just so happens to have a deep bench of trustworthy companies that will get you gold at the best price, guaranteed. Take Goldline International, for example. This company was investigated for defrauding customers by convincing them to buy nearly valueless gold coins instead of gold bullion, for which Goldline agreed to pay over $4 million in compensatory damages after a legal battle in California.
Or if getting ripped off by a shyster gold retailer isn’t how you want to blow your retirement savings, try silver! Lear Capital is here to help, and they’ll give you over $600 of silver coins FOR FREE (with qualifying purchase). And don’t worry, they also have a history of screwing over their customers. Here you can find a court opinion from a case in which a woman sued the company for, no surprise, misrepresenting the value of the silver coins she was purchasing.
Suppose that you’re not worried about total financial collapse and the loss of your hard-earned money. No worries, because Fox News has another product that you’re definitely going to need very, very, very soon.
Since we all know that the government is going to collapse soon because of that socialist, Muslim, Kenyan terrorist in the White House and his destructive, fascist-communist policies, we all need to ensure that we have a stable food supply so that we and our families don’t starve to death in the Mad Maxian wasteland that is soon to follow.
Have no fear, patriotic Americans, because Survival Seed Bank has the ticket. This fear-baiting wacko corporation promises to give you non-hybrid, non-GMO seeds that will save you and your family from the impending apocalypse.
Commercials for this company appeared on Fox and were openly promoted on-air by Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck before he went too off his rocker even for Fox News to handle. If you want to see Stephen Colbert’s hilarious deconstruction of a Survival Seed Bank ad, click here.
On the off-chance that you haven’t run away from your computer in fear to hide in your nuclear bunker yet, Fox News still has some great products for you. Maybe you’re just a senior – and if you’re watching Fox News, you probably are – who needs a little extra spending cash. If so, try a reverse mortgage! They’re so great that even Fred Thompson endorses them (for a nominal fee, of course)!
What is a “reverse mortgage”, you ask? Why, it’s a magical, no-strings-attached arrangement in which the bank will buy your house from you in installments until they pay it off (in which case they seize it) or you die. What could go wrong?
This. Reverse mortgage companies are notorious for encouraging just one spouse (who often happens to be the one that is statistically more likely to die first) to put their name on the transaction. Upon that spouse’s death, the bank then takes the home and kicks the surviving spouse out.
So next time you’re feeling a little down about atrocities in Iraq, impending international catastrophe in Ukraine, or Rodney King-eqsque race riots in major American cities, just turn on Fox News for a little while. You’re guaranteed to get a few good laughs and, who knows, you might even find a fantastic investment opportunity or that little special something to guarantee your own survival in the post-apocalyptic hellscape that the Democrats are creating!